Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose

[Alex]

An entry from Gabriella Rosario's personal diary, which she privately calls "The Little Red Book" due to its relatively indiscreet size and faded red cover. The contents of the book date back years, and have always been and will always be for her eyes only -- Vivian and Catherine are aware of its existence and have likely at least inferred that it contains Gabriella's deepest, most honest thoughts, but given the Malkavian's almost fanatical seriousness about keeping its contents private, neither dares even touch it, much less read it, and are committed to keeping knowledge of its existence between the three of them.

This entry was composed several days after the final night of her little affair with Big Don in early August of 2070. The handwriting, as it is in much of this particular book, is really quite staid and structured and very easy to read, suggesting that the words in it come from a place of calm and lucidity. Composed, you might say, even if the writing style is somewhat stream of consciousness.

Lately I have been pondering the meanings of words and how they convey different things to different people.

I have had several nights to ponder this after my escape from the Councilman. The success of my initial efforts was completely mitigated and then some by my failure to deceive him on the final night we were together as to my true nature. I have mostly spent the last few nights to myself as I fear the repercussions of this. I became too arrogant and pushed farther than I should have, and I suspect my disgust with myself will linger for some time to come. It typically does. Perhaps next week I will begin to sleep more normally during the day again, and the vivid nightmares will cease to their normal level.

Last night I imagined Don standing me on a stage in front of an assembled crowd, showing me off as the first of his vampiric sex slaves after the fall of the Masquerade and urging the assembled crowd to go find and attack vampires throughout the town in order to enslave them as well. Leon then purchased me for a significant sum of money. The image was so real that reality felt like a dream when I woke. Subsequently, I struggled to get anything done tonight.

I have also struggled to escape from my experience at the Lion's Den and Leon's infatuation with me. I may have to go back. I do not want him hunting me down. Even if I don't, he will likely find me anyway, because Catherine continues to attract unnecessary amounts of attention from dangerous people who are going to kill us all, and never seems to realize or regret it despite my repeated warnings. It is immensely frustrating and sometimes I wish to lock her in a cage permanently, but that would be unethical and also alarmingly similar to what Leon wants to do anyway. So I simply continue trying to get through to her, as there is little else I can do.

The last several weeks have been very difficult and very rough. I don't know what I fear more now -- the Fall or the fact that Houston lurks beyond our gates, waiting for the right moment to strike. Klein is undoubtedly near the front of the queue. Both will likely lead to my ultimate demise, but I wish to fend that off as long as possible. Houston will uphold the Masquerade in their attack, which is a relief, but that paradoxically makes them the more immediate threat. It is my hope that when the assault begins, I have concealed myself well enough to buy myself some time to decide the best course of action. After all, I have not been as stupid as to put my actual ex-Sabbat name on a large public building. Literally facepalming right now when I think about it.

Still, I must stay and fight. I do not want Klein to gain more power. I do not want him to curse someone else as he has cursed me. No one, not even my worst enemy, deserves to live with anything resembling the mind I have been forced to live with, and will continue to live with to the end of my days. Also, the majority of the Anarchs here have been kinder to me than I deserve. I still struggle to think of myself as one of them. I have watched and observed the Movement's true believers for many years. I have long thought I am happy to support freedom, but it has never been my main priority, nor will it ever be. I value safety. I value peace. I value even the chance at a moment's calm. I do not believe many of them share those values, so I accept that I am alone. I only hope they do not find me to be heretical if any of them ever learn of this. I would never work against them. I am willing to fight alongside them. It is just that my fight is for peace and security and defense, not an all-out effort to wipe the Camarilla off the face of the planet. I do not believe it feasible, nor do I want to leave New Orleans if at all possible.

Plus, I would dare say that seven nights of horrendous, unpleasant flop sweat with a fat corrupt councilman and his Jeffrey Epstein buddies should demonstrate my devotion to the Movement and acquiring information to benefit it.

I've been thinking. I have heard much about the word "freedom" lately. Typically it is from Alain, who speaks the word as if it is sacred. I suppose it is by his definition. I don't know why. I haven't asked, as Alain and I do not speak often. I do not want to subject myself to opinions I will disapprove of spoken by a man whose mannerisms exacerbate my anxiety to dangerous levels. I respect his many accomplishments, but accept that we will simply never get along. I fear him more than nearly anyone else in the Movement -- he is seen as powerful and influential, I suspect as a result of his charisma. I respect that power. Honestly, I am jealous of that power -- I would give a great deal to be able to speak so persuasively that people would line up behind me and loyally support me. But that is nothing new. I envy the various skills of most of those in the Movement. They are much more valuable than mine. If I could speak like Alain or Andre or fight like Alexis or Vivian or command influence like Catherine or Corinne or even just have personal magnetism and be fun to be around like Jasmine or Austin, I would be much more indispensible and much more liked. I understand why I am not. I am difficult. I am tiring and hard to read. I wish I was not, but I am. I cannot even use my other persona to be more likable. It is not something I can put on me all the time, as I would grow tired. Using it selectively would just lead to some people experiencing it and telling the others that it is not the real me, and they would feel deceived. And moreover, not everyone would appreciate a party girl, and I don't believe my sexual promiscuity would help me draw closer to anyone in the Movement. They simply aren't interested.

Back to Alain's charismatic powers. I also fear them. We are very much opposites. I see little means of making inroads with him. I fear that he will see my views as unacceptable, and will turn the power of the Anarchs against me to destroy me. He likely already does. I am a burden to him and offer little worthwhile. Corinne sees me the same way, and has a personal army she could use at any time to eliminate me on command. They are both far more influential and well-liked than I and much more well-connected, and I do not know how to neutralize these threats. One dislikes Malkavians, and one dislikes the Masquerade. I cannot be anything but what I am, and I cannot compromise on my views on the subject of the Masquerade. It keeps me up during the day. I am helpless against them. I only survive based on the fact that they must see others, such as the Camarilla, as being more important to deal with before turning on me.

Freedom. I don't know the dictionary definition. I suppose to most people it means being able to do what one wants. But who has that power? By that definition, I don't believe anyone can truly be free. Freedom cannot be universal, as then the universal being would not be free. I think true freedom is the ability to act without consequence. That is impossible. Every action has a consequence. I could anger someone, or make someone sad, or take someone's life. Someone could do the same to me. Those all count as consequences. If I am truly free, you cannot be. If you are truly free, I cannot be. Some worldviews both espouse freedom, but are completely opposite. Both cannot be free, but both consider themselves free.

Nothing to lose means you have nothing at all. Nothing to live for. I don't want to live with nothing to live for. But sometimes I think I already do. I can't, though. If I have nothing to live for, there's no point to my existence, and I should just leave myself for the sun. But I can't do that because I don't know what comes after that. But I bet it's worse. I remember church all those years ago. Any truly just God would send someone like me to the worst possible place.

Let me put this another way for my future self. Alain's definition of freedom is, I suspect, the ability to live openly as a vampire in society without hiding in the shadows. He thinks this would lead to mortal freedom as well. It's completely illogical. Even accepting his ideal world, there are fundamental questions about how mortals and Kindred would coexist. Would vampires be free to use their Disciplines and other various powers on mortals? If yes, vampires can theoretically run around Dominating people or using Awe in the streets or using blood bonds without the knowledge or consent of the bonded. They could ghoul people and put them at the top of organizations they want influence over. It does not matter if the vampire thinks they are using that influence for altruistic purposes. If I am using the Blood to exert influence on the police department or government in order to reform those organizations to be more fair or just, I am still using influence that mortals are incapable of to direct those same mortals to act a certain way. That is not a free world for mortals. It is also a might-makes-right world that would rapidly become corrupt, and we would be no better than the Tower we so disdain. Not only that, but the fair and just world that would follow would be completely subject to the vampire's idea of what constitutes fairness and justice.

Do you see what I mean about words meaning different things to different people?

If vampires are restricted from using their powers, then we are not truly free, either. We must constrain ourselves and avoid using our aforementioned abilities without mortal consent, or perhaps completely. That means no influence over society beyond our simple words and deeds. While I would be willing to live in these constraints, I do not trust all of my fellow Anarchs to agree to them, much less all the vampires in the world. How would vampires be held accountable when mortals often don't even know what is being used against them? The honor system? Vampires are not honorable creatures. And I still firmly believe that if mortals had both the knowledge and the power, they would seek to destroy the Kindred, not happily live alongside them -- or, even more far-fetched, take up arms and fight a nebulous, unseen organization on our behalf.

But then what do I know about the Camarilla, apparently?

There are several drops of blood at this point on the page. Presumably they are either tears or...well, she does have fangs. And wrists.

None of this matters, honestly. Alain's definition of freedom is the only one that matters to anyone anyway. I can't do anything about that and must make peace with it. Perhaps if I was louder I could, but I'm not. I'm not sure how democratic or egalitarian any movement is that leaves things open to so much interpretation knowing that one viewpoint has to win and all the others have to lose. But then I'm not sure any movement has ever or ever will exist that actually delivers the rights it promises. There are too many people both living and undead who will seek to fill any power vacuum that isn't already filled.

That's probably why the Camarilla remains strong while the Anarchs have a history of shattering. The Camarilla has a clearly defined set of rules and expectations that everyone must abide by under penalty of death. Sadly, they must resort to oppression in order to uphold them. The Anarchs don't. I like that better. But the Anarchs also seem to make it up as they go along. I'm not sure how sustainable that is. The Movement is like a string. There is only one string but many people who want to remain attached to the string but are also intent on pulling it in different, incompatible directions. Many aren't even doing it from a place of malice -- they are simply convinced that they are right and just and everyone else must follow their lead to achieve righteousness and justice. Eventually, as long as they are dead set on the direction they're trying to go in, the string unravels and falls apart. And that is the end of the Movement, or at least that portion of the Movement. And I don't think there's an acceptable middle ground between that approach and a repressive, obey-or-die dictatorship like the one the Camarilla puts forward.

If anyone sees this I'll be branded a heretic. I'm not. I promise I'm not. I just want a Movement to survive that actually delivers the freedom it promises. For everyone. Not just some people. But that's not possible, is it? There will always be a loser.

I'll always be the loser.

I'll never be free.

I accepted that a long time ago. Because for me to be free, my mind would have to be different. It would have to be normal. It would have to be controllable. And I cannot control it. Unfortunately, that's becoming a common theme.

You can't be free with a mind like mine.

I wish I remembered what silence sounds like. It's been seven decades. seven decades of noise. Endless, unforgiving noise. It just doesn't stop.

Maybe if it stopped I could think more clearly or see more clearly or rest or not have to hide my emotions and make sure no one ever sees me cry because I don't want to be pitied or come off sad or mopey or weak because then I'll be viewed as an easy mark and the second that happens I'm finished. They think I can fight, so I will fight. I will be Ella the Ripper, even though Ella the Ripper is not me. I will be what they want me to be. It will keep me safe. It will help keep the rest of them safe. And if I'm not who they want me to be, then I don't know what I'd be at all. Ella the Ripper isn't scared. Ella the Ripper doesn't cry. Ella the Ripper doesn't shy away from a fight. If that is the way the script has been written for me, then I will play the character to the best of my ability.

If only it wasn't a character. If only I could be free. Like Ella the Ripper.

The entry ends abruptly, unsigned.